From “Rants About Something Dumb”
So hair doesn’t always behave. Nor does it like to follow the rules. In fact, somewhere along the line, hair decided it must have its own special rules. This was probably so it didn’t have to consort with icky things like body functions or weather, or plebeian concepts such as gravity. “Oh, it’s raining out?” smirks hair. “Sure, we’ll go limp as a rag, but we’re also going to send some of our agents straight up into the air! Yeah. And if you dare get us wet, we’re gonna hold onto that water like a camel on Mars!”
But even among the hair community there are rebel types. Now, if you have hair, you probably think your hair type is the rebellious type. In some respects, you are correct…because it is hair. As established about 100 words ago, hair has “special” rules. By the laws of nature, all hair is haughty and elitist. But even among hair, there is a particularly defiant faction: curls.
Caution: Rabbit Hole
Ohhh, you curly types are just nodding your heads, aren’t you? Whether it’s coarse or fine, thick or thinning, wavy or coiled, curly hair is gonna do its own thing. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes curls are great! You brush less, don’t have to fuss with curling irons, and some days it’s a quick fluff-up and you’re good to go. BUT…we likely use way more product, can’t always air dry (our hair dryer attachments look downright sci-fi), have to consider the weather (because of hair reasons), and there are days we wake up sporting something between a Doc Brown and a demented chipmunk.
Okay, I’m done.
So hair is special.
But you know what else is bothersome about hair? Hair math.
For example, curls are super ornery about hair math. Since curls shrink up, we curly folk often go a bit longer between haircuts. This is because we either don’t notice the growth as much, or because we can pull off shaggy a bit better than our non-curly brethren. So when we finally head in for a trim, we realize we need to trim off a solid inch or two. The stylist takes three. But is three inches really three inches? Not in curly hair math! The curl will then spring up even more than it did before, making three inches look like five inches and AK! Accidental baby bangs. Omg.
But the curly faction isn’t the only hair type bad at hair math. No! There’s a broader, more indiscriminate brand of hair math that can affect nearly all hair types. I’m talking about hair color math.
Now, sometimes hair color math adds up.
For example, a number of years ago I decided to kick up my red. I only ever use semi-permanent hair color, and I selected a natural-looking red (just a wee bit punchier than my own brownish-red). Came out great. Well, time went by — many months, in fact — and the red washed away, so I decided to switch things up and go get some blonde highlights done. Can you see where this is going yet? Yeah.
red + white (blonde) = PINK
Pink highlights. And it might have been kinda fun if my hair hadn’t grown several inches (because curly hair math). See, I forgot to divide by the hair root of three or something…the lingering red dye turned pink, while several inches of fresh virgin growth was a proper blonde. Jerk hair.
Sometimes hair color math doesn’t add up.
I recently enjoyed a new “following” milestone on Twitter (this is relevant, stay with me). I like to have fun with such milestones by celebrating in silly ways. This time, I decided to pick out a funky new hair color. My hair is currently short, plus there are some fun temporary options out there now, so commitment level is fairly low. I went with a wild electric blue.
But guess what? I forgot I’m a redhead. Not only did I not get blue, but in hair math…
red + blue =/= purple
Well, kind of. But not really. Because in hair math…
red + blue = BLACK
JINKIES! In the bright sunlight you can see a hint of purple, but that’s just my hair being a jerk again and teasing me with proper math. Indoors, it’s basically black…because hair color math.
Anyway, the moral of my rant is simply this: hair is a nincompoop. And don’t trust hair math.
Thanks for reading.